Tag Archive | antidepressant

“Making Your Way In The World Today Takes Everything You Got”

Making your way in the world today takes everything you got;

Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot.

Wouldn’t you like to get away?”

Theme song lyrics from “Cheers”, American Television Sitcom 1982-1993

For some of us, there is no taking a break from all our worries, because the worries are inside us, inside our heads, wreaking havoc inside our minds.

A reader asked me recently if I carry on in the hope that the Depression lifts.

I can only reply that I can only do my best on any given day.

I carry on, not in the hope that the depressions lifts.  I carry on for the exquisite rays of light that occasionally pierces through the darkness, and for the moments of love and happiness that brighten my world now and then.  I have seen the splendour and magnificence of beauty and joy.  That is what keeps me going.

Is that enough?

Who knows what’s on the other side life?  Maybe we take the pain with us if we die while in the grips of despair.   Wouldn’t that be the ultimate irony, committing suicide because of the need to stop the pain, only to writh in that pain into perpetuity?

Everyone has ups and downs.  No one is in perpetual bliss.  Even the brightest flames diminish in the dampening rain.

For people with Depression however, the downs are much deeper and darker than for others.  The rain becomes a torrential hurricane complete with tsunami tidal wave.

I have learned to ride the emotional coaster better, by being aware of the pattern of ups and downs.  It helps to have an arsenal of coping tools in my self-management toolbox to help me get through the lowest times; everything from spiritual healing to comedy relief and everything in between.  I have also learned that it’s O.K. reach out and ask for help.

I used to question what it was all for, the constant struggle that is life.


But why?


I have procreated.  Does that mean I am done?

What’s the point?

According to Oprah Winfrey;

“The whole point of being alive is to evolve into the complete person you were intended to be.”

For me, for now, I am the person that I am; faulty, flawed and imperfect, trying to embrace with gratitude every small moment of joy I am given, before I am drawn under again by the next wave of darkness that hits.

I don’t make excuses for the way that I am anymore, and I don’t apologize either, for the sudden tears, or the occasional need for a small retreat from the world.  I don’t make excuses for needing to take medications to stabilize my mental health.  I don’t make excuses for needing support to get me through sinkholes in the road.

Do I want to evolve into the “complete person” I was intended to be? photo 3 (7)

What does that even mean?

Or maybe I have evolved, and this is the complete person I am intended to be this go round.  Imperfectly perfect.

I can accept that, or, I can continue searching, discontent in mind, body and spirit, straining and craving to change into some intangible “complete” entity I am told I should aspire to.

There is only one answer that makes sense right now.

“… grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time…”

~Reinhold Niebuhr


Mourning My Gal Pal, Libida

There are many side effects of antidepressants, from excessive sweating, to dry mouth to libido death.
Everyone responds differently, to different doses of different medications.  There is no one size fits all, all the time.  But if your doctor has you on your prescription, then hopefully, it’s because they believe the cons of the side effects are a far lesser evil than the symptoms you are exhibiting.


Book Cover: A Lady’s Guide To Improper Behavior by Suzanne Enoch

Tell that to my dead libido!

I am a woman who has always had a healthy appetite for sex and more importantly, the elusive female orgasm (yes, please!).  Imagine my frustration, upon the realization one day that it just was not going to happen for me! It didn’t happen the next day either, or the next, or the next…

Orgasm was not going to come for me.

Everything physical was the same as it has always been. My man’s performance and stamina has never been in question, in fact he’s the Type A – overachiever sort, you know. 😉

After a few weeks of consistent lack of orgasmic results, I began to suspect that my gal pal “Libida” was dying. The “perp” that was killing my her had to be the meds I was taking.  Sadly, my doctor confirmed it.


This was the trade off?

I gave up the sensuous spasms of carnal delight for the ability to smile? What’s there to smile about without that! (Of course there are lots to be grateful for, this is merely an exaggeration to emphasize the grief of my loss.)

If I had never had an orgasm, I wouldn’t know what I was missing. But alas, the bliss of ignorance is not to be mine. I know exactly what I’m missing, and the multiple times that I’m missing it!

There was no way I was going to take this lying down! (Well, only if the situation was right. 😉 )

I deserve my God given entitlement of my share of erotic bliss!

So, being the adventurous sprite that I am, I packed my gear and went exploring to look for Libida in every sweet spot, using every method, and trying every trigger I could think of. Sometimes my man accompanied me.

Libida couldn’t be dead, I refuse to accept it.


Ahhhh… I knew Libida wasn’t dead.  I felt it in my bones. Teeheehee.  🙂

What Does She Have To Be Depressed About?


I am not depressed. I have Depression. Photo Courtesy: Sandi Yee

“What does she have to be depressed about?”
“I am not depressed.  I have Depression.”

I have a good life.

I live in a free country, where I have no fears for my physical safety, where I am free from threats of political or terrorist violence.

I have a good home, a good family, clean healthy food and water every day to feed my body, spiritual connection to feed my spirit, and pharmaceuticals help to stabilize my mental health.

Indeed, what do I have to be depressed about?

I am not depressed.

I have depression.

I have a mental health illness due to a possible deficiency in the levels of serotonin produced and/or absorbed by my body.

No one knows for certain where depression comes from, how or why.  There is only hypothesis, an educated guess based on what can be observed and measured.

Serotonin is a chemical produced in our bodies that acts as a neurotransmitter, helping to send signals from and to different areas of the brain. As a neurotransmitter, serotonin influences a large majority of brain cells, including brain cells that affect mood.

My doctor officially diagnosed me with Chronic Clinical Depression.  He prescribed antidepressant, Citalopram (the generic prescription substitution for Celexa), for my condition, and later added another prescription to help boost the effects of this one.  He explained to me that this medication was going to help my brain grow receptors for serotonin, to help my body absorb more of the chemical (serotonin) into my system.  Hopefully, this should help lift my depressive state of emotion.  He said that it was going to take time for the receptors to grow, and to begin absorbing more serotonin, about two weeks or so.

Sure enough, after a few weeks, I began to feel emotionally lighter, less of an urge to curl into myself and cry.

My thought patterns changed. Where previously I had daily thoughts, ideas and plans of killing myself, after taking the prescription for a few weeks, those thoughts no longer lingered in my mind.

I felt lighter in mood, body and spirit.  The awful weight that had stooped my shoulders, dragged at my feet and darkened my path, one day suddenly dissolved itself.


Photo Courtesy: Sandi Yee

I could finally breathe a full, deep breath.

The medication worked!  It really worked!  Finally, a happy pill!

“Nope, not a happy pill,” said Dr. W.

Dr. W. said that this drug will NOT make me happy. It is a drug that will help bring me back to my normal self, that I otherwise would be if my biochemical levels were normal.

As it happens, it would seem that I am normally a giggling, dancing, laughing, singing, type of person.

Cheers to that!    😀

I am and always will be, a work in progress.  It has taken years of counselling and therapy, trials on different medications and prescription cocktails, many painful hours of introspection, and a network of strong support to see me still standing.

I am still standing.