My kids are my everything. They are my hopes, my fears, my joy, my tears. Being a parent is the most challenging and probably the most difficult job I will ever have. It’s even more so, when my depression decides that today is the day it’s going to manifest, and my teenager is doing her best to push my every button, and every boundary ever set in this household.
My kid is a great kid; intelligent, creative, fun loving, full of love and compassion. But there are times, good lord, when it’s impossible to keep my head up, to hold on to my patience, and be a good mom. When I am faced with raging pubescent hormones, with all the drama and passions that come with teen angst, and I am emotionally raw hyper-sensitive, and every word said to me are like hot iron arrows shot straight into my chest, burning up my little reservoir of love and light.
So I will walk away. So I will lock myself in my room and cry my heart out at the words that break my heart into a thousand little pieces. I will allow myself this time to wallow in self-pity, to curl into a ball and sob out every sliver of toxicity in my head.
Just for a little while.
But I cannot stay in this space, this place of negativity and anguish.
I will get up. I will ask the powers that be for the strength and will to move my body, stand on my feet and hold my head up. I will go out and soldier on. Because whatever the difficulties, whatever the challenges, my kid still needs her mom, and will need her mom in the future to come.
I know the demons that plague me, I can keep them from consuming my future, keep them from affecting my kid’s future. She will have me in her life. I will be here for her. I will continue to take my medication to keep my darkness at bay. I will attend my counselling and continue my therapy. I will express gratitude for my beautiful daughter, because I am immensely grateful that I have her in my life.
This is just a bump in my road, the long road that is the reality of living with my chronic sadness.
I shall not let the darkness overcome.