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She Is So Worthy Of Saving

Mary sobbed uncontrollably as she looped the flimsy rope over the ceiling beam in her bedroom.  She was a small girl and the rope should be strong enough to hold her, she thought.  Her heart clenched tight with anguish.  Crushing pain racked her little body.   She just had to push away the chair she was standing on, and hopefully the pain will stop.  The pain will stop, it had to!

She just wanted the pain to stop.

She couldn’t handle it anymore, she hurt so much.

She didn’t want to hurt anymore.

She didn’t want to feel alone anymore.

She didn’t want to feel like a failure anymore.   She didn’t want to feel her father’s disappointment in her anymore.   The pressures of being 12 years old were so overwhelming.  She could never live up to what everybody wanted of her.

She just wanted to die.

Good bye Daddy.  Good bye Mommy.  Good bye little brother Jay.  She cried even harder thinking about her family.  They wouldn’t miss her anyway.

“Mary! Dinner!”  Mary heard her mom calling her for dinner.  She collapsed into a bawling heap on the ceramic floor.  Oh my God!  Oh my God!  Please help me!

Mary’s next attempt at suicide was when she was 16 years old.  She left school in the middle of the day, took the bus home and overdosed on a bottle of pills she had been saving, waiting for the right time.  She was hospitalized and discharged after a few weeks.

At 19 years old, Mary went away to University.  She had been so happy the summer before her university days were to begin, and so ready to set out on her own.  Her life as an adult was upon her, she was ecstatic and so very optimistic about her future.  She had a wonderful man in her life who adored her.  Her grades were among the honors, and she was attending one of the top universities in the country.  She was young, and beautiful, bubbling with life and vitality.  Her parents were supporting her through university.  Everything was good and right in her life.

Except it wasn’t.

She had hoped that she had outgrown the angst and pain of her teenage years.  She had thought those days were behind her.

She was wrong.

The pressures of being alone in a foreign city without her loved ones intensified her feelings of being alone.  There were high expectations of her to perform and achieve beyond her successful parents’ accomplishments.  The deep abyss of pain began to gnaw at her insides until she could not hold it in any longer.  She began to cut her arms to relieve some of the pain inside.  Before long, she was suicidal and had to be returned to her parents’ home and then hospitalized.

She was finally diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Borderline Personality Disorder.  She was treated and discharged with a plan to continue treatment and community support.   She cheerfully wished everyone a hearty farewell, and happily skipped out of the hospital with nary a backward glance.

At 2 in the morning, four days after her discharge from the hospital, Mary called a friend she had recently bonded with from the hospital, sobbing that she couldn’t handle it anymore.  She abruptly hung up and her friend could not get a hold of her after.  After repeated attempts of calling her cellphone, with no response, the friend knew she had to find a way to reach her.  In a panic, the friend called the local directory, and guessed the names of her parents which her home phone number could be listed under.  Luckily, the friend was able to reach Mary’s father and asked him to check on Mary.  They found Mary overdosed and unconscious, but thankfully still alive. 

Mary’s parents, though educated and loved her very much, floundered in their effort to understand and support her in her illness.  They couldn’t understand her depression, because her life was full and advantageous compared to so many others who were less fortunate.  She had everything anyone could want.  Their attempts to raise her spirits and motivate her, only added to her frustration and feelings of loneliness and being misunderstood.

I see so much of my younger self in Mary; Her feelings, her experiences, her attempts, and her struggle to live and die. 

I wish I could tell her that it will get better. 

I wish I could tell her that those awful feelings of despair and wanting to die will go away and never come back.  

I wish I could tell her that there is a magic little pill that makes everything right and happy again.

But the truth is, I can’t say with any kind of conviction that things will get better, not when I am struggling everyday with those same feelings of hopelessness.

I can only tell her that she will learn to cope better with the illness, learn to cope better with the feelings, with the pain, and with the intruding thoughts that make her feel so small and want to die.

I can tell her that there will be extreme lows in her mood, and they may not be preventable every time, but she can learn to recover quicker from those lows, so that this miserable burden becomes easier to bear.

I can her that there will not only be lows, but highs as well, because life can still be enjoyed when she has good days, weeks, months, or even years without any hint of darkness or despair.  It can happen.

Depression is treatable. 

Mary is now only 19 years old, still so young.  There is still so much she can do, still so much of life yet to experience.  Even with this mental illness, and the dismal outlook that inherently comes with it, she can still have a full and complete life.  Yes, there will be dark days, but there is help and support to brace and carry her through those difficult days.  There are people who love her, and care for her, even though she feels unworthy.

I want to tell Mary that it is okay to ask for help, and accept that help when she can no longer cope with the illness.  In fact, it is preferable that she reach out for help, rather than succumb to the darkness in isolation.  I want Mary to hear me tell her that she is so worthy of saving, because she has so much light and love to offer the world.

Stay strong Mary.

You will laugh and enjoy the light again soon.  And there are still many hours of twerking yet to be done!

Post script:

Mary is a real person and her story is true.  I have changed her name and called her “Mary” to give her anonymity and respect her privacy.

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An Exercise in Self-Affirmation

When living with Anxiety and Depression, it is often so difficult to see the beauty and worth in ourselves.  The brain is faulty in its operation, being deprived of essential nutrients associated with low levels of serotonin, it skews our attention towards negativity and sadness.  So we have to use everything at our disposal to be the best that we can be.

A very powerful tool is the self-affirmation; the recognition and assertion of the existence of one’s individual self.

Here is a great positive self-affirmation exercise that I came across on my journey of healing.  Take a few minutes right now to think and write down your responses to these questions.

  1. How have you positively impacted someone who is close to you?  What did you do?
  2. What was their response?
  3. What was the outcome?

This exercise can be a helpful tool for you in your tool box of self-management, to pull out when you are feeling like you don’t matter.  From your responses on this exercise, you clearly do matter.

This is merely a reminder to help you remember that YOU ARE WORTHY.

Many blessings and may the light always shine for you.

Mourning My Gal Pal, Libida

There are many side effects of antidepressants, from excessive sweating, to dry mouth to libido death.
Everyone responds differently, to different doses of different medications.  There is no one size fits all, all the time.  But if your doctor has you on your prescription, then hopefully, it’s because they believe the cons of the side effects are a far lesser evil than the symptoms you are exhibiting.

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Book Cover: A Lady’s Guide To Improper Behavior by Suzanne Enoch

Tell that to my dead libido!

I am a woman who has always had a healthy appetite for sex and more importantly, the elusive female orgasm (yes, please!).  Imagine my frustration, upon the realization one day that it just was not going to happen for me! It didn’t happen the next day either, or the next, or the next…

Orgasm was not going to come for me.

Everything physical was the same as it has always been. My man’s performance and stamina has never been in question, in fact he’s the Type A – overachiever sort, you know. 😉

After a few weeks of consistent lack of orgasmic results, I began to suspect that my gal pal “Libida” was dying. The “perp” that was killing my her had to be the meds I was taking.  Sadly, my doctor confirmed it.

What!?

This was the trade off?

I gave up the sensuous spasms of carnal delight for the ability to smile? What’s there to smile about without that! (Of course there are lots to be grateful for, this is merely an exaggeration to emphasize the grief of my loss.)

If I had never had an orgasm, I wouldn’t know what I was missing. But alas, the bliss of ignorance is not to be mine. I know exactly what I’m missing, and the multiple times that I’m missing it!

There was no way I was going to take this lying down! (Well, only if the situation was right. 😉 )

I deserve my God given entitlement of my share of erotic bliss!

So, being the adventurous sprite that I am, I packed my gear and went exploring to look for Libida in every sweet spot, using every method, and trying every trigger I could think of. Sometimes my man accompanied me.

Libida couldn’t be dead, I refuse to accept it.

Then…Success!

Ahhhh… I knew Libida wasn’t dead.  I felt it in my bones. Teeheehee.  🙂

“You’d Also Be An Anchor To Her”

My Response to A Reader Comment

I would like to take this opportunity to respond to a reader, by the name of “James”, who made a comment on the previous blog article, A Mom Soldiers On,  October 19, 2014;

“You’d also be an anchor for her if you can’t provide for her.” ~James

I felt that this comment warranted a comprehensive response, and deserving of a dedicated post.

This comment would be true enough if you are referring to financial provisions.  I can say with confidence and gratitude that we are blessed to be financially stable.  She has everything she needs for food, education, shelter, and material goods.  Her physical and financial welfare will never be in jeopardy.

The point of A Mom Soldiers On is about the challenge of motherhood while living with the daily struggles of chronic depression.  It is about the psychological and emotional impact that this condition has on me and my children.

This blog Managing Depression is dedicated to the entire experience of chronic depression.  I express clearly, that this mental health condition is most definitely an anchor, in fact, it is a ginormous burden to my family, day in and day out.

Yes, I would be anchor for her, if all I did was wallow in self-pity. Yes, I would be an anchor to her if she had to take care of me, instead of me taking care of her.

Yes, I would be an anchor if I was never able to get out of my own head and be emotionally available and present when she comes home crying from teenage high school drama.

Yes, I would be an anchor if I did not get up or do anything that a mom does, like buy groceries, make nutritious meals, oversee homework, maintain the house, pay the bills, and the never-ever ending loads of laundry.

Yes I would be an anchor.

But that is what the article A Mom Soldiers on is about.

It is about NOT allowing the depression to be an anchor, despite having to drag along the enormous weight of chronic depression.

It’s about finding the strength and will to get up and do what a mother has to do, and be present as mother should be for her child.

My first reaction to James’ comment was hurt, and then I feared that it might be true, that I would be an anchor.  But after a few minutes of reflection, my valuable contributions as a mother came to mind, vivid and clear.

I have not allowed my chronic condition of Depression to anchor me.  Despite it, I have reared strong-willed, intelligent, conscientious, well adjusted, young ladies who are full of love and compassion for the world around them.  I am proud of the job I have done as a mother, and foresee myself continuing on the same road.

I have come a long way in recovery, in understanding the nuances of my emotional fluctuations, and the best methods of how to manage them.  Yes, my children have seen me down and they have seen me fall, but they have also seen me fight against it.  They have seen me get up, they have seen me show up, and they have seen me rise despite the darkness I tow.

Thank you James, for making this an opportunity for me to candidly remind us moms who cope daily with depression, that we are still able to make significant positive impacts, despite our demons.

We do what we do as mothers because we draw our strength from that special well deep inside us, fed by the eternal spring of divine love, a mother’s love.

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Image courtesy: youwall.com

Depression In The Workplace

DSC_1065The most difficult thing with having depression as an adult is that you are still expected to behave as an adult, with all the duties, responsibilities and obligations of being an adult.

There are people depending on you, your boss, your kids, your spouse, and your pets. Even in your darkness, with uncontrollable tears ready to spill over at the smallest bump in the road, work still needs to be completed, deadlines still have to be met, bills still need to be paid, and the bacon still needs to be brought home.

No matter how much you just want to hide away in some dark corner, curl up within yourself and bawl your heart out, you still have a job to do.

Your attendance and productivity are non-negotiable expectations of you at work.

You need the money? You need your job?

Hell, yeah!

Rare it is for those of us who don’t need these essentials of modern living.

Your boss has their responsibilities too. The company does not owe you anything more than your paycheck, and you do not owe them more than what they pay you for. Your job is a financial transaction, between you and the company.

You, the employee, are paid monies in exchange for your time, and what you produce for your employer.

Keep this in mind and do not make the mistake of thinking that they care about your mental health, because they really do not care other than how it would affect their bottom line.

Even the best managers, or even if your manager is your best friend, they still have a business to run, clients to service, revenue to generate, deadlines to meet, and a boss that they themselves must report to as well.

Everyone has a boss that they have to ultimately report to.

At the end of the day, your boss gets to go home, to their families and their own life. They may be as empathetic as can be, but they must do what is best for their own livelihood, for their own job security, and that is to look out for the company’s interest. This may seem cold and cynical, but it is the truth. There is no room in an organization for an employee who does not produce, does not fit in, or is a drain on company resources.

A wonderful colleague at work once told me, referring to our manager;

“Betty does what’s best for Betty, you, Sandy have to do what is best for Sandy”.

You must do what is in the best interest of you, because you are your best and biggest advocate.

Stay professional. Maintain your professional reputation, and take the time you need to regroup. The last thing you need at this point is to have a meltdown at work. Your mental health is paramount to everything else.

You work to live, not the other way around.

If you do not resolve your situation first, then the situation may be resolved for you (by you being relieved of your position), and that will bring you down even further.

Here are some tips that may help you to regroup.

1. Get help

If you are feeling so overwhelmed that you cannot cope by yourself, it’s time to ask for help from a professional source. Speak with your doctor or medical professional for a diagnosis, and explore your treatment options. There could be answers to address your physical symptoms as well as your emotional and psychological well-being. You may need therapy, counselling, prescriptions or a combination of approaches to help you heal.

There may also be help and resources readily available through your human resources department. The main thing is to ask for help. If you don’t get help the first time, keep asking.  Help is available.

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2. Take care of yourself. 

Taking care of yourself is more than indulging in a soothing bath or spoiling yourself with a mani-pedi (I am not saying those aren’t awesome, love them myself). Taking care of yourself is giving yourself everything that your mind, body and spirit needs and deserves in order to be well and to thrive.

If you need to see the doctor (or medical professional), then take the time to see your doctor, therapist or counsellor.

If you need to take a period of time away from work, then ask for that time.  Recent studies published by the University of Melbourne found that employees who continued to work even as they experienced depression symptoms, realized positive health benefits towards their recovery.  That being said, your doctor can help you determine if you need time away from work.

Your well-being is paramount to all else in your life. Your work will always be there. That urgent matter on your desk is not a life or death situation (unless it literally is because you are a life-saving surgeon or some such, even then, there is an on-call to take it on). Money can always be made, another job can always be found, but your health is your life. Your mental-health is the internal world in which you exist. It must stand head and shoulders above all else. Otherwise you could begin to feel that your world is not worth the effort, and that feeling can lead to the ultimate darkness, suicide.

3. Act

Once you have established a plan of action with your medical professional, stay the course. It may be difficult to remember or keep your medical appointments, therapy sessions, take your medications and adhere to your treatment plan, but you must. Treatment will get you better.

4. Make a list checklist  checklist

Focus and concentration will be a challenge. This is a common symptom of depression. Making lists of your to do’s are essential in keeping you on the move. Having a check mark to show for completed tasks, no matter how small the task, will help you to keep move forward. Making lists also helps to break down all your tasks, and show you what you need to do. It can help you to feel less overwhelmed by all that you need to do. It gives you a place to start and prevent you from feeling paralyzed. Even if everything on the list doesn’t get done, you will have still made progress.

5. Take breaks

Take your breaks, to stretch your legs and increase your circulation, to nourish your body and eat your lunch, to walk away from your work station and just allow yourself to rest. This will help in preventing your mind from fatigue at this point in your healing. Give your brain a quick break. Studies have shown that taking breaks can decrease stress hormones, and raise dopamine levels. This will help you to be more productive and manage your stress.

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6. Find support

Find support, if you are not comfortable speaking with a colleague about your situation, make sure you have support in friends or family. The feelings that you are experiencing have to go somewhere, it is best that they have a safe place to be released. If you are unable to find a safe place to release your pain, there are crisis hotlines set up exactly for this purpose. Find out the nearest hotline available in your location, and keep it readily accessible. You never know when you will need it. Suffering in silence will not help you get better.

There are no quick fixes for depression. Medications take at least two weeks to take effect. Counselling and therapies may take months or years for you to feel the effects of healing.

Be patient. Be kind to yourself and never give up. You are worthy.

May the light always shine for you.

Namaste.

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Photo credits: Sandi Yee

Are You Worth It?

you-are-worthy-self-worth-quotesSince I started this new career in the blogosphere, as a professional blogger, my husband has reminded me many times that there is no one else that I am doing this for. There is no manager to watch the clock, no clock to punch, no deadline to meet, no one to answer to. There is only me. Writing is for me, for my creative juices to flow free, and give voice all that churns in my head.

“Just think,” he said with an ear to ear grin, “you are not getting up every morning for anyone else, not your boss, not the kids, not even me. You are now getting up for you. Are you worth it?”

Wow!  What a novel idea!  What insight!  I’m getting up for me, no one else.  There is no one else that I am getting up for. There is only me.  I’m doing this for me!  For once, it’s all about me!

Then reality set in.

There is only me.

It is all about me.

Am I worth it?  Am I worth anything?  What am I worth anyway?

And there it was again.

The beginnings of negative self-talk. The harsh inner critic, that ugly voice in my head, present in everything I do, everywhere I go, telling me I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy. I don’t want to hear it, but it’s loud and clear.

I struggle with this question every day, the question of worthiness.  This time it’s about my writing.

Am I worth it?

Am I worth this time to focus on myself, to focus on my writing, to feed my spirit and fill the emptiness that gnaws at me when I have no creative outlet?

Am I worth it?  HPIM0214

Am I worth it?

Am I worth it?

Am I good enough?

What does it matter?

Who’s going to read it?

Who’s going to care?

No one cares.

Ughk! It’s a nasty cycle!

Good grief!  If I thought I was worthy, if I thought I was good enough, I wouldn’t be in this cyclical mess of depression, misery, self-destruction and self-hate.

It was more than about writing, about blogging. It all came down to how I felt about myself.

I do well enough on my own, putting oprah quote2this obstacle of worth in front of myself.  Thank you very much, but I really don’t need someone else reminding me to question if I am worth it.

His actions were from good intentions, because my husband never questions his worth.  He has a healthy dose of macho ego, such that if someone asked him if he was worth it, he would respond with a resounding shout of YES!  It would motivate him to jump out of bed, and sprint after whatever he wanted, because his worth is never in question, because he believes he deserves.  He thought it would work that way with me.  He thought what works with him would work with me.

It doesn’t.

Every morning my goal is to keep from drowning.  Everyday all my energies go into building a solid platform from which to stand in the light, to stand in my power.  I am building my skill.  I am building my confidence.  I am building a new era for a future where for the first time ever I am able to see beyond today.

For anyone to ask me if I think I am worth it, only makes me question, and answer myself that I’m not.  Asking me if I am worth it, implies that my worth is in question, that it is not an innate right as a human being to pursue my happiness.

I am worthy.  I have to believe that I am.

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Photo Courtesy: Sandi Yee

After weeks of this, I finally asked him to stop asking me this question;

“Instead of trying to get me up and out of bed by asking me if I’m worth it, why not ask me to begin the day together.  Please, ask me to begin the day together instead.  Say to me; shall we begin the day together?”

I appealed to his empathy, his love for me and his desire to live our lives together.

It worked. Every morning since, he greets me with a smile, extends his left hand, and invites me to begin the day with him.

How can I resist?

I don’t. 😉

How do I love me? Let me count the ways…

Love-yourself1

Image Courtesy: alisina.org

How is it that it is so hard to love ourselves?

Our hearts are limitless in our capacity to love others.  We can add on countless children, siblings, pets, friends, lovers, and still we would have room for more.

But what of ourselves?

How do we love ourselves?  How do we know that we love ourselves?

Is it the respect we give to ourselves, that we stand up for ourselves and not allow ourselves to be taken advantage of?

Is it the little things that we do to spoil ourselves, little indulgences of Godiva chocolates, ice cream sundaes, spa days, diamond earrings just because?

We know how it is to love someone; spouse, children, parents, friends.  We feel warmth and joy in our heart, we smile with tenderness, we touch with affection.

Yeah… No.

None of these feelings apply when we look to ourselves.  Our hearts do not fill with tenderness and joy when we look in the mirror.  More likely it is quite another strong emotion we’re feeling all together.

What does it mean to love ourselves?

Perhaps it is in the kindness that we allow ourselves.

Perhaps we can show ourselves love by being kind to our heart, by being kind to our sensitivities.  We can be less harsh in our self-criticism.  We can forgive our flaws, forgive our mistakes, and accept them, because that is what we would do with people whom we love.

In the pursuit of happiness, there are countless advice and daily “happy” quotes to inspire us to love ourselves, to prompt us to focus on what we love about ourselves, rather than focus on the negative.

Thus, in an effort to establish how to love myself, this poem is an exercise in learning to do just that.

How do I love me? Let me count the ways…

How do I love me? Let me count the ways…
I love me with compassion and empathy,
To allow myself to be flawed, to be free
Of lingering doubt
That I deserve, that I am worthy. 

Image Courtesy:  Sandi Yee

Image Courtesy: Sandi Yee

I love me for my heart,  
For my art,
That I create,
That I relate,
To those in a state
Of despair and self-hate.

I love me enough to kind,
When I speak in my mind
To myself.
I love me for my truth,
For my authenticity,
I wear for everyone to see.

I love me for the strength
I have gained, at the length
I have traveled,
To have finally come through the dark,
To make my mark
And let the world know I am here.

Written by Sandi Yee – September 30, 2014

A bit egotistical?  A little.
Do I feel better?  Teeheeheehee…Yes, I think I do. 😀

Poem concept and title credit to Miss Elizabeth Barrett Browning 1806-1861