“Making your way in the world today takes everything you got;
Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot.
Wouldn’t you like to get away?”
Theme song lyrics from “Cheers”, American Television Sitcom 1982-1993
For some of us, there is no taking a break from all our worries, because the worries are inside us, inside our heads, wreaking havoc inside our minds.
A reader asked me recently if I carry on in the hope that the Depression lifts.
I can only reply that I can only do my best on any given day.
I carry on, not in the hope that the depressions lifts. I carry on for the exquisite rays of light that occasionally pierces through the darkness, and for the moments of love and happiness that brighten my world now and then. I have seen the splendour and magnificence of beauty and joy. That is what keeps me going.
Is that enough?
Who knows what’s on the other side life? Maybe we take the pain with us if we die while in the grips of despair. Wouldn’t that be the ultimate irony, committing suicide because of the need to stop the pain, only to writh in that pain into perpetuity?
Everyone has ups and downs. No one is in perpetual bliss. Even the brightest flames diminish in the dampening rain.
For people with Depression however, the downs are much deeper and darker than for others. The rain becomes a torrential hurricane complete with tsunami tidal wave.
I have learned to ride the emotional coaster better, by being aware of the pattern of ups and downs. It helps to have an arsenal of coping tools in my self-management toolbox to help me get through the lowest times; everything from spiritual healing to comedy relief and everything in between. I have also learned that it’s O.K. reach out and ask for help.
I used to question what it was all for, the constant struggle that is life.
I have procreated. Does that mean I am done?
What’s the point?
According to Oprah Winfrey;
“The whole point of being alive is to evolve into the complete person you were intended to be.”
For me, for now, I am the person that I am; faulty, flawed and imperfect, trying to embrace with gratitude every small moment of joy I am given, before I am drawn under again by the next wave of darkness that hits.
I don’t make excuses for the way that I am anymore, and I don’t apologize either, for the sudden tears, or the occasional need for a small retreat from the world. I don’t make excuses for needing to take medications to stabilize my mental health. I don’t make excuses for needing support to get me through sinkholes in the road.
What does that even mean?
Or maybe I have evolved, and this is the complete person I am intended to be this go round. Imperfectly perfect.
I can accept that, or, I can continue searching, discontent in mind, body and spirit, straining and craving to change into some intangible “complete” entity I am told I should aspire to.
There is only one answer that makes sense right now.
“… grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time…”