Since I started this new career in the blogosphere, as a professional blogger, my husband has reminded me many times that there is no one else that I am doing this for. There is no manager to watch the clock, no clock to punch, no deadline to meet, no one to answer to. There is only me. Writing is for me, for my creative juices to flow free, and give voice all that churns in my head.
“Just think,” he said with an ear to ear grin, “you are not getting up every morning for anyone else, not your boss, not the kids, not even me. You are now getting up for you. Are you worth it?”
Wow! What a novel idea! What insight! I’m getting up for me, no one else. There is no one else that I am getting up for. There is only me. I’m doing this for me! For once, it’s all about me!
Then reality set in.
There is only me.
It is all about me.
Am I worth it? Am I worth anything? What am I worth anyway?
And there it was again.
The beginnings of negative self-talk. The harsh inner critic, that ugly voice in my head, present in everything I do, everywhere I go, telling me I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy. I don’t want to hear it, but it’s loud and clear.
I struggle with this question every day, the question of worthiness. This time it’s about my writing.
Am I worth it?
Am I worth this time to focus on myself, to focus on my writing, to feed my spirit and fill the emptiness that gnaws at me when I have no creative outlet?
Am I worth it?
Am I worth it?
Am I good enough?
What does it matter?
Who’s going to read it?
Who’s going to care?
No one cares.
Ughk! It’s a nasty cycle!
Good grief! If I thought I was worthy, if I thought I was good enough, I wouldn’t be in this cyclical mess of depression, misery, self-destruction and self-hate.
It was more than about writing, about blogging. It all came down to how I felt about myself.
I do well enough on my own, putting this obstacle of worth in front of myself. Thank you very much, but I really don’t need someone else reminding me to question if I am worth it.
His actions were from good intentions, because my husband never questions his worth. He has a healthy dose of macho ego, such that if someone asked him if he was worth it, he would respond with a resounding shout of YES! It would motivate him to jump out of bed, and sprint after whatever he wanted, because his worth is never in question, because he believes he deserves. He thought it would work that way with me. He thought what works with him would work with me.
Every morning my goal is to keep from drowning. Everyday all my energies go into building a solid platform from which to stand in the light, to stand in my power. I am building my skill. I am building my confidence. I am building a new era for a future where for the first time ever I am able to see beyond today.
For anyone to ask me if I think I am worth it, only makes me question, and answer myself that I’m not. Asking me if I am worth it, implies that my worth is in question, that it is not an innate right as a human being to pursue my happiness.
I am worthy. I have to believe that I am.
After weeks of this, I finally asked him to stop asking me this question;
“Instead of trying to get me up and out of bed by asking me if I’m worth it, why not ask me to begin the day together. Please, ask me to begin the day together instead. Say to me; shall we begin the day together?”
I appealed to his empathy, his love for me and his desire to live our lives together.
It worked. Every morning since, he greets me with a smile, extends his left hand, and invites me to begin the day with him.
How can I resist?
I don’t. 😉